Surgery Over

The surgery was done on Wednesday.
It went well and it was relatively easy.
They did find another polyp near the top of the uterus.
All polyps are out.
Which could explain the infertility issues.
I read some articles online that said my chances of getting pregnant could increase to almost 70%.
Uterus looks good per the doctor.

I have hope again.
Perhaps IVF will work for us.
Maybe I can stop living in the what ifs and live in the what's next.
Maybe join all those happy parenting pictures I see.
Future baby, do you know the things we will take pictures of?

Now till wait till April to get the show on the road.
Hormones, let's go!

Next up... Surgery

For the first time in probably a decade, I am on the pill.
It feels so strange to be on the pill.
To be "preventing" at the moment.
The real purpose, the hormones will help keep my lining thin for the polyps to be removed.

Then off to IVF next month.
I am excited to start this.
It has a higher success rate.
But not 100%.

I am nervous.
What if this doesn't work?
What next?
Do we want to even adopt?
How long will we have to wait for our baby?

Disappointed Again...

I was so proud of myself.
I wanted till Tuesday to test.

And it was negative. 

Then Wednesday, I started spotting. 

Full flow today. 

Sigh. 

I have cried. 

I am so tired of making "if" plans. 

I want to make "when" plans. 

I just wanted to take that money and spend it on the baby. 

Not to get the baby. 

So now I will have my uterine polyps removed this month. 

IVF will begin next month. 

Why me? 

Two Week Wait

We did our second IUI on Tuesday.
Everything looked good and I had less cramping than before which I am assuming is a good thing.
And now we wait.

We can do a home pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 4th.
So we wait.

I will not test early this time.
I have promised myself not to have that disappointment of testing too early.
So I am busying my mind, visiting friends, and making appointments for myself.

Tonight someone was talking about the Law of Attraction.
Visualizing myself pregnant.
Visualizing myself in maternity clothes.
Visualizing my future baby.

The thing is...
I do not want to be disappointed.
I do not want to have all these happy moments in my head to have them taken away in less than two weeks.

I am trying hard to be cautiously optimistic.
I will get my baby.
I am determined about that.

Hurry Hurry, Wait Wait

Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is how it feels.
Everything is so time sensitive that you are always either rushing around or waiting.
Today was rushing around.

There were no cysts last week so we were given the green light for Femara last week.
Today we go the the doctor to check if the Femara worked.
I have several follicles but they are all too small.
So on to FSH injections.

Oh but wait.
The only local pharmacy that carries it is 45 minutes away.
Oh but wait.
They are not open yet because it is too early still.

We rush home.
Both of us have appointments with students.
We decide we will spend our lunch time acquiring the meds.

I try to work quickly to get my Monday morning tasks complete.
We rush 45 minutes north.
We wait for our drug to be ready.
We rush 45 minutes back.
I had to move a work meeting to give myself time to eat.

Of course, Mondays are always busy with work and I have no time to really think or help the poor guy who is observing my class for volunteer hours.
So I rush through all my 88 phone calls.

And now we wait.
For Thursday.
Recheck the follicles.
Hopefully not too many or we will have to cancel.
And wait again.

Titter Totter

I have never been one to deal with disappointment well.
Maybe because I was a child of split custody?
Waiting every other weekend on my dad to show.
Often followed by the "Not this weekend..."

When my first husband died, amazingly I had hope.
Even as I left the hospital.
I knew the years were going to hard.
I knew life would never be the same.
But I knew deep in my heart that one day, things would get better.
After every heart ache, the soul rises again.
My grief counselor said it was one of the things that saved me.

I am trying hard to remain hopeful now.
Hopeful that I will get pregnant & I will give birth.
But it is hard.
I do not want to be disappointed in the end.
What if it never happens?
What if at some point my doctors say it is not going to work?
Ever.

I am not sure if I will be able to deal with that disappointment.
So I titter totter.
I am trying to prepare myself for the possible future disappointment.
Trying not to be too hopeful.
Like safely hopeful.
A balancing act.

Very careful balancing act.

Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?

The Longest Wait

My ovaries had 3 nice size follicles on Monday.
We did the HCG trigger injection Monday night.
On Wednesday we did our "turkey baster".
Kevin had lots of little guys.
And the doctor says he thought we did well timing wise for me.
The chances of it working are about 10% less than the natural rate of pregnancy.

So we came up to the mountains for a mini vacation.
No alcohol.
No jarring.
No hot tubs or saunas.
That limits our activity at a snow/ski resort.
It is the first of many sacrifices I am sure.
Lots of sleeping in and reading books.
We can take a home pregnancy test on January first.

So we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

This evening we went to sit on one of the comfy couches in front go the many Christmas trees at our resort's lobby.
I am finishing a book.
Kevin playing some games.
Another family sits across from us.
They are so close I cannot help but hear their conversation.
One of the women is about 7 months pregnant.
The other lady asks her if she is loving being pregnant.
"No, it is just awful." She is moving like she is 13 months pregnant.
They continue to talk about others who are pregnant.
"So-and-so is pregnant with triplets."
One of the older men comments "Probably one of those people doing fertility treatments" with disdain in his voice.
I wanted to pipe up.
I wanted to storm away.
I wanted to scream.

Some people just can't get knocked up all by themselves.
It does not make us less human.
It does not make us bad parents.

Just parents who are waiting.

Eggs, Eggs

We are now on our third cycle of Femara.
Dr. Brown increased my dosage from my first two rounds.
Man oh man, my emotions were doubled as well.
I cried at the most ridiculous things.
Work. Facebook videos. Family.

Back to the doctor tomorrow to check the follicles.
I am nervous.
What if I already ovulated?
What if I missed the window?

To imagine how many people get pregnant everyday.
Without. Even. Blinking. An. Eye.
Timing is so crucial.

Sigh...

Hope Restored

We had our first real appointment with Dr. Brown.
I cannot explain how much my hope has been inflated again.
I am excited again.

What an amazing doctor with great bedside manner.
He kept assuring us we will get pregnant.
Kevin's swimmers are spunky, just like Kevin.
All my labs look good.
I am structurally sound.
He predicts it is my PCOS as well as maybe endometriosis due to all the period pain I have.

Dr. Brown is a science guy.
He was interested in getting to know me.
He was interested in getting to know us.
We could talk about meiosis and genetics.

Dr. Brown is happy we are seeking help now.
He says we are coming at the right time and at the right age.
I am not too old. Nor have we not tried long enough.
He put those "just relax" people to bed.
Yes, stress affects things but even he agrees that eventually those "just relax" or "just get drunk" people do get pregnant due to the odds.
He made me feel like we are making the right decision and we have done all the right things.
We will get pregnant and he will make sure of it.

Our next step is another round of Femara 5mg and artificial insemination.
We will do two rounds of that and then move to the next step.

Here's to hopefulness.

The Clique Expands

And it expands without me.

I really want to be happy for my friends.
And I am.
I really am.
I want to celebrate with them and ask them questions.
These are good people who will be good parents.

But I cannot help to feel left out.

They talk about strollers.
Travel systems.
Maternity leave.

And I sit.
I have to turn my face.
So you don't see my sadness.

Then my body feels heavy.
My laugh is forced.
My mind is focused on something else.
And after I leave you, I will cry.

My disappointment is with me.
My body.
My failure.

"Just relax"

One of my pet peeves is the advice people give.
I got it when my first husband died too.
Now I get it from some people who know we are trying.

"Just relax and it will happen."
Yeah, that does work for most people.
The first nine months of not preventing and just seeing what happened was relaxed.
I am not one of those women who makes sex clinical.
We still do lingerie.
Sex on the couch.
Afternoon delights.

"Just have a few drinks."
Yeah, we did that too.

Is it hard for people to realize that not everyone gets pregnant right away?
Is it inconceivable that some people do have medical problems in getting pregnant?
And maybe I am one of them.

"Have you tried laying in bed after sex?"
"Have you tried having sex later in your cycle?"
"Have you tried using this brand of lube?"
Yep.
Been there.
Done that.

I am not an idiot.
I am not someone who tried to get pregnant for a month or two and then sought medical help.
I have some known medical issues.

Sigh...

Backstory - Part 2

It was May 2012.
One month before our wedding date.
We both wanted kids.
I was 31.
So sooner rather than later.
So... what the hell.
Screw the diaphragm.
We were officially not preventing.
And yes, we were relaxed and having fun.

I have not been on the birth control pill since June 2011 due to MTHFR homozygous mutation.
One of my many preventions of my own pregnancy.
Along with PCOS with about 20% of women.
And a tilted uterus.

We had fun.
Had lots of sex.
Dodged the age old question of when we would start having kids.
And tracked my period and our sex life one of those calendars on my phone.
But not much other thought.
Month after month, ugly "Aunt Flo" showed her annoying face.
I thought in December 2012 I might be pregnant when my period was about 5 days late.
But no, not me.

In February of this year, I reached out to my OB/Gyn.
"Are you having appropriate sex?"
Umm, yes. I think so.
I asked, "What do you mean?"
He suggested sex every other day on cycle days 10-16.
We upped it to days 10-18 just to make sure.
Then every 2-3 days outside of that window.
"Call me in June if you aren't pregnant by then."

Nothing.

In June, I tried my first cycle of Femara.
Nothing.
Tried another cycle in August.
Nothing.

"Okay. I am still not pregnant. What do I do now?"
Doctor replied, "It is time to seek help of a reproductive endocrinologist."

My whole life I have been good at almost everything I put my mind to.
I get almost everything I want if I put my mind to it.
Why not this?
Maybe I did not want kids for so long because I knew my body was not capable of it.
Maybe my subconscious was protecting me.
Maybe one of my enemies cursed me.
Maybe I was being punished for being happy, safe, and secure back in the summer of 2008.
Maybe I was not genetically fit.

So we went to our first consultation.
And here we are.

I spit in a test tube a few weeks ago to do some more genetic testing.
I have blood work to do tomorrow.
A HSG in about 10 days.
Then Kevin will have some "fun" in a man-cave at the doctors office.
And then we will discuss all the results and our next steps.

Sigh...

Backstory - Part 1

In my early twenties, I did not really want kids.
I was on the fence. But heavily leaning toward no.
I watched as many of my friends disappear as they had kids.
Become these sad, weird shells of themselves.
They did not seem happy at all.
Why would I volunteer for that?

Fast forward a few years.
Having coffee with my friend, Courtney and I were chatting away.
She knew my position on kids.
And she loved me still.
And then it came out of my mouth.
I did not even notice it.
"When I have kids..."
Courtney stopped me.
Her green eyes looked deep into mine.
"Do you realize what you just said?"
I wanted to cry.
I felt like I had slapped myself in the face.
Hard.

I lost my first husband in 2008. 
I had just started dating again.
When? When?
What happened to me?

Courtney helped me realize that I had changed.
And it was okay.
Grief changes people.
I had evolved.
I am not the same person as before.
Priorities change.
Life changes.
Reactions change.

Now to tell my then boyfriend.
Let him know the conditions we had both agreed on when we first started dating a month or two previously had changed for me.
I was nervous.
Would he bolt?
What would he think?
Thankfully he was on board.
Woohoo!

I started to say "when..." a lot more.
Dreams and plans started to emerge.
I wanted to be a mamma!