Disappointed Again...

I was so proud of myself.
I wanted till Tuesday to test.

And it was negative. 

Then Wednesday, I started spotting. 

Full flow today. 

Sigh. 

I have cried. 

I am so tired of making "if" plans. 

I want to make "when" plans. 

I just wanted to take that money and spend it on the baby. 

Not to get the baby. 

So now I will have my uterine polyps removed this month. 

IVF will begin next month. 

Why me? 

Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?

The Clique Expands

And it expands without me.

I really want to be happy for my friends.
And I am.
I really am.
I want to celebrate with them and ask them questions.
These are good people who will be good parents.

But I cannot help to feel left out.

They talk about strollers.
Travel systems.
Maternity leave.

And I sit.
I have to turn my face.
So you don't see my sadness.

Then my body feels heavy.
My laugh is forced.
My mind is focused on something else.
And after I leave you, I will cry.

My disappointment is with me.
My body.
My failure.