Disappointed Again...

I was so proud of myself.
I wanted till Tuesday to test.

And it was negative. 

Then Wednesday, I started spotting. 

Full flow today. 

Sigh. 

I have cried. 

I am so tired of making "if" plans. 

I want to make "when" plans. 

I just wanted to take that money and spend it on the baby. 

Not to get the baby. 

So now I will have my uterine polyps removed this month. 

IVF will begin next month. 

Why me? 

Two Week Wait

We did our second IUI on Tuesday.
Everything looked good and I had less cramping than before which I am assuming is a good thing.
And now we wait.

We can do a home pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 4th.
So we wait.

I will not test early this time.
I have promised myself not to have that disappointment of testing too early.
So I am busying my mind, visiting friends, and making appointments for myself.

Tonight someone was talking about the Law of Attraction.
Visualizing myself pregnant.
Visualizing myself in maternity clothes.
Visualizing my future baby.

The thing is...
I do not want to be disappointed.
I do not want to have all these happy moments in my head to have them taken away in less than two weeks.

I am trying hard to be cautiously optimistic.
I will get my baby.
I am determined about that.

Titter Totter

I have never been one to deal with disappointment well.
Maybe because I was a child of split custody?
Waiting every other weekend on my dad to show.
Often followed by the "Not this weekend..."

When my first husband died, amazingly I had hope.
Even as I left the hospital.
I knew the years were going to hard.
I knew life would never be the same.
But I knew deep in my heart that one day, things would get better.
After every heart ache, the soul rises again.
My grief counselor said it was one of the things that saved me.

I am trying hard to remain hopeful now.
Hopeful that I will get pregnant & I will give birth.
But it is hard.
I do not want to be disappointed in the end.
What if it never happens?
What if at some point my doctors say it is not going to work?
Ever.

I am not sure if I will be able to deal with that disappointment.
So I titter totter.
I am trying to prepare myself for the possible future disappointment.
Trying not to be too hopeful.
Like safely hopeful.
A balancing act.

Very careful balancing act.