Disappointed Again...

I was so proud of myself.
I wanted till Tuesday to test.

And it was negative. 

Then Wednesday, I started spotting. 

Full flow today. 

Sigh. 

I have cried. 

I am so tired of making "if" plans. 

I want to make "when" plans. 

I just wanted to take that money and spend it on the baby. 

Not to get the baby. 

So now I will have my uterine polyps removed this month. 

IVF will begin next month. 

Why me? 

Two Week Wait

We did our second IUI on Tuesday.
Everything looked good and I had less cramping than before which I am assuming is a good thing.
And now we wait.

We can do a home pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 4th.
So we wait.

I will not test early this time.
I have promised myself not to have that disappointment of testing too early.
So I am busying my mind, visiting friends, and making appointments for myself.

Tonight someone was talking about the Law of Attraction.
Visualizing myself pregnant.
Visualizing myself in maternity clothes.
Visualizing my future baby.

The thing is...
I do not want to be disappointed.
I do not want to have all these happy moments in my head to have them taken away in less than two weeks.

I am trying hard to be cautiously optimistic.
I will get my baby.
I am determined about that.

Hurry Hurry, Wait Wait

Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is how it feels.
Everything is so time sensitive that you are always either rushing around or waiting.
Today was rushing around.

There were no cysts last week so we were given the green light for Femara last week.
Today we go the the doctor to check if the Femara worked.
I have several follicles but they are all too small.
So on to FSH injections.

Oh but wait.
The only local pharmacy that carries it is 45 minutes away.
Oh but wait.
They are not open yet because it is too early still.

We rush home.
Both of us have appointments with students.
We decide we will spend our lunch time acquiring the meds.

I try to work quickly to get my Monday morning tasks complete.
We rush 45 minutes north.
We wait for our drug to be ready.
We rush 45 minutes back.
I had to move a work meeting to give myself time to eat.

Of course, Mondays are always busy with work and I have no time to really think or help the poor guy who is observing my class for volunteer hours.
So I rush through all my 88 phone calls.

And now we wait.
For Thursday.
Recheck the follicles.
Hopefully not too many or we will have to cancel.
And wait again.

Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?

The Longest Wait

My ovaries had 3 nice size follicles on Monday.
We did the HCG trigger injection Monday night.
On Wednesday we did our "turkey baster".
Kevin had lots of little guys.
And the doctor says he thought we did well timing wise for me.
The chances of it working are about 10% less than the natural rate of pregnancy.

So we came up to the mountains for a mini vacation.
No alcohol.
No jarring.
No hot tubs or saunas.
That limits our activity at a snow/ski resort.
It is the first of many sacrifices I am sure.
Lots of sleeping in and reading books.
We can take a home pregnancy test on January first.

So we wait.

And wait.

And wait.

This evening we went to sit on one of the comfy couches in front go the many Christmas trees at our resort's lobby.
I am finishing a book.
Kevin playing some games.
Another family sits across from us.
They are so close I cannot help but hear their conversation.
One of the women is about 7 months pregnant.
The other lady asks her if she is loving being pregnant.
"No, it is just awful." She is moving like she is 13 months pregnant.
They continue to talk about others who are pregnant.
"So-and-so is pregnant with triplets."
One of the older men comments "Probably one of those people doing fertility treatments" with disdain in his voice.
I wanted to pipe up.
I wanted to storm away.
I wanted to scream.

Some people just can't get knocked up all by themselves.
It does not make us less human.
It does not make us bad parents.

Just parents who are waiting.