Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?

The Clique Expands

And it expands without me.

I really want to be happy for my friends.
And I am.
I really am.
I want to celebrate with them and ask them questions.
These are good people who will be good parents.

But I cannot help to feel left out.

They talk about strollers.
Travel systems.
Maternity leave.

And I sit.
I have to turn my face.
So you don't see my sadness.

Then my body feels heavy.
My laugh is forced.
My mind is focused on something else.
And after I leave you, I will cry.

My disappointment is with me.
My body.
My failure.

"Just relax"

One of my pet peeves is the advice people give.
I got it when my first husband died too.
Now I get it from some people who know we are trying.

"Just relax and it will happen."
Yeah, that does work for most people.
The first nine months of not preventing and just seeing what happened was relaxed.
I am not one of those women who makes sex clinical.
We still do lingerie.
Sex on the couch.
Afternoon delights.

"Just have a few drinks."
Yeah, we did that too.

Is it hard for people to realize that not everyone gets pregnant right away?
Is it inconceivable that some people do have medical problems in getting pregnant?
And maybe I am one of them.

"Have you tried laying in bed after sex?"
"Have you tried having sex later in your cycle?"
"Have you tried using this brand of lube?"
Yep.
Been there.
Done that.

I am not an idiot.
I am not someone who tried to get pregnant for a month or two and then sought medical help.
I have some known medical issues.

Sigh...