Next up... Surgery

For the first time in probably a decade, I am on the pill.
It feels so strange to be on the pill.
To be "preventing" at the moment.
The real purpose, the hormones will help keep my lining thin for the polyps to be removed.

Then off to IVF next month.
I am excited to start this.
It has a higher success rate.
But not 100%.

I am nervous.
What if this doesn't work?
What next?
Do we want to even adopt?
How long will we have to wait for our baby?

Two Week Wait

We did our second IUI on Tuesday.
Everything looked good and I had less cramping than before which I am assuming is a good thing.
And now we wait.

We can do a home pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 4th.
So we wait.

I will not test early this time.
I have promised myself not to have that disappointment of testing too early.
So I am busying my mind, visiting friends, and making appointments for myself.

Tonight someone was talking about the Law of Attraction.
Visualizing myself pregnant.
Visualizing myself in maternity clothes.
Visualizing my future baby.

The thing is...
I do not want to be disappointed.
I do not want to have all these happy moments in my head to have them taken away in less than two weeks.

I am trying hard to be cautiously optimistic.
I will get my baby.
I am determined about that.

Titter Totter

I have never been one to deal with disappointment well.
Maybe because I was a child of split custody?
Waiting every other weekend on my dad to show.
Often followed by the "Not this weekend..."

When my first husband died, amazingly I had hope.
Even as I left the hospital.
I knew the years were going to hard.
I knew life would never be the same.
But I knew deep in my heart that one day, things would get better.
After every heart ache, the soul rises again.
My grief counselor said it was one of the things that saved me.

I am trying hard to remain hopeful now.
Hopeful that I will get pregnant & I will give birth.
But it is hard.
I do not want to be disappointed in the end.
What if it never happens?
What if at some point my doctors say it is not going to work?
Ever.

I am not sure if I will be able to deal with that disappointment.
So I titter totter.
I am trying to prepare myself for the possible future disappointment.
Trying not to be too hopeful.
Like safely hopeful.
A balancing act.

Very careful balancing act.

Hope Restored

We had our first real appointment with Dr. Brown.
I cannot explain how much my hope has been inflated again.
I am excited again.

What an amazing doctor with great bedside manner.
He kept assuring us we will get pregnant.
Kevin's swimmers are spunky, just like Kevin.
All my labs look good.
I am structurally sound.
He predicts it is my PCOS as well as maybe endometriosis due to all the period pain I have.

Dr. Brown is a science guy.
He was interested in getting to know me.
He was interested in getting to know us.
We could talk about meiosis and genetics.

Dr. Brown is happy we are seeking help now.
He says we are coming at the right time and at the right age.
I am not too old. Nor have we not tried long enough.
He put those "just relax" people to bed.
Yes, stress affects things but even he agrees that eventually those "just relax" or "just get drunk" people do get pregnant due to the odds.
He made me feel like we are making the right decision and we have done all the right things.
We will get pregnant and he will make sure of it.

Our next step is another round of Femara 5mg and artificial insemination.
We will do two rounds of that and then move to the next step.

Here's to hopefulness.