Backstory - Part 2

It was May 2012.
One month before our wedding date.
We both wanted kids.
I was 31.
So sooner rather than later.
So... what the hell.
Screw the diaphragm.
We were officially not preventing.
And yes, we were relaxed and having fun.

I have not been on the birth control pill since June 2011 due to MTHFR homozygous mutation.
One of my many preventions of my own pregnancy.
Along with PCOS with about 20% of women.
And a tilted uterus.

We had fun.
Had lots of sex.
Dodged the age old question of when we would start having kids.
And tracked my period and our sex life one of those calendars on my phone.
But not much other thought.
Month after month, ugly "Aunt Flo" showed her annoying face.
I thought in December 2012 I might be pregnant when my period was about 5 days late.
But no, not me.

In February of this year, I reached out to my OB/Gyn.
"Are you having appropriate sex?"
Umm, yes. I think so.
I asked, "What do you mean?"
He suggested sex every other day on cycle days 10-16.
We upped it to days 10-18 just to make sure.
Then every 2-3 days outside of that window.
"Call me in June if you aren't pregnant by then."

Nothing.

In June, I tried my first cycle of Femara.
Nothing.
Tried another cycle in August.
Nothing.

"Okay. I am still not pregnant. What do I do now?"
Doctor replied, "It is time to seek help of a reproductive endocrinologist."

My whole life I have been good at almost everything I put my mind to.
I get almost everything I want if I put my mind to it.
Why not this?
Maybe I did not want kids for so long because I knew my body was not capable of it.
Maybe my subconscious was protecting me.
Maybe one of my enemies cursed me.
Maybe I was being punished for being happy, safe, and secure back in the summer of 2008.
Maybe I was not genetically fit.

So we went to our first consultation.
And here we are.

I spit in a test tube a few weeks ago to do some more genetic testing.
I have blood work to do tomorrow.
A HSG in about 10 days.
Then Kevin will have some "fun" in a man-cave at the doctors office.
And then we will discuss all the results and our next steps.

Sigh...

Backstory - Part 1

In my early twenties, I did not really want kids.
I was on the fence. But heavily leaning toward no.
I watched as many of my friends disappear as they had kids.
Become these sad, weird shells of themselves.
They did not seem happy at all.
Why would I volunteer for that?

Fast forward a few years.
Having coffee with my friend, Courtney and I were chatting away.
She knew my position on kids.
And she loved me still.
And then it came out of my mouth.
I did not even notice it.
"When I have kids..."
Courtney stopped me.
Her green eyes looked deep into mine.
"Do you realize what you just said?"
I wanted to cry.
I felt like I had slapped myself in the face.
Hard.

I lost my first husband in 2008. 
I had just started dating again.
When? When?
What happened to me?

Courtney helped me realize that I had changed.
And it was okay.
Grief changes people.
I had evolved.
I am not the same person as before.
Priorities change.
Life changes.
Reactions change.

Now to tell my then boyfriend.
Let him know the conditions we had both agreed on when we first started dating a month or two previously had changed for me.
I was nervous.
Would he bolt?
What would he think?
Thankfully he was on board.
Woohoo!

I started to say "when..." a lot more.
Dreams and plans started to emerge.
I wanted to be a mamma!