Titter Totter

I have never been one to deal with disappointment well.
Maybe because I was a child of split custody?
Waiting every other weekend on my dad to show.
Often followed by the "Not this weekend..."

When my first husband died, amazingly I had hope.
Even as I left the hospital.
I knew the years were going to hard.
I knew life would never be the same.
But I knew deep in my heart that one day, things would get better.
After every heart ache, the soul rises again.
My grief counselor said it was one of the things that saved me.

I am trying hard to remain hopeful now.
Hopeful that I will get pregnant & I will give birth.
But it is hard.
I do not want to be disappointed in the end.
What if it never happens?
What if at some point my doctors say it is not going to work?
Ever.

I am not sure if I will be able to deal with that disappointment.
So I titter totter.
I am trying to prepare myself for the possible future disappointment.
Trying not to be too hopeful.
Like safely hopeful.
A balancing act.

Very careful balancing act.

Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?