Hope Restored

We had our first real appointment with Dr. Brown.
I cannot explain how much my hope has been inflated again.
I am excited again.

What an amazing doctor with great bedside manner.
He kept assuring us we will get pregnant.
Kevin's swimmers are spunky, just like Kevin.
All my labs look good.
I am structurally sound.
He predicts it is my PCOS as well as maybe endometriosis due to all the period pain I have.

Dr. Brown is a science guy.
He was interested in getting to know me.
He was interested in getting to know us.
We could talk about meiosis and genetics.

Dr. Brown is happy we are seeking help now.
He says we are coming at the right time and at the right age.
I am not too old. Nor have we not tried long enough.
He put those "just relax" people to bed.
Yes, stress affects things but even he agrees that eventually those "just relax" or "just get drunk" people do get pregnant due to the odds.
He made me feel like we are making the right decision and we have done all the right things.
We will get pregnant and he will make sure of it.

Our next step is another round of Femara 5mg and artificial insemination.
We will do two rounds of that and then move to the next step.

Here's to hopefulness.

The Clique Expands

And it expands without me.

I really want to be happy for my friends.
And I am.
I really am.
I want to celebrate with them and ask them questions.
These are good people who will be good parents.

But I cannot help to feel left out.

They talk about strollers.
Travel systems.
Maternity leave.

And I sit.
I have to turn my face.
So you don't see my sadness.

Then my body feels heavy.
My laugh is forced.
My mind is focused on something else.
And after I leave you, I will cry.

My disappointment is with me.
My body.
My failure.