In my early twenties, I did not really want kids.
I was on the fence. But heavily leaning toward no.
I watched as many of my friends disappear as they had kids.
Become these sad, weird shells of themselves.
They did not seem happy at all.
Why would I volunteer for that?
Fast forward a few years.
Having coffee with my friend, Courtney and I were chatting away.
She knew my position on kids.
And she loved me still.
And then it came out of my mouth.
I did not even notice it.
"When I have kids..."
Courtney stopped me.
Her green eyes looked deep into mine.
"Do you realize what you just said?"
I wanted to cry.
I felt like I had slapped myself in the face.
Hard.
I lost my first husband in 2008.
I had just started dating again.
When? When?
What happened to me?
Courtney helped me realize that I had changed.
And it was okay.
Grief changes people.
I had evolved.
I am not the same person as before.
Priorities change.
Life changes.
Reactions change.
Now to tell my then boyfriend.
Let him know the conditions we had both agreed on when we first started dating a month or two previously had changed for me.
I was nervous.
Would he bolt?
What would he think?
Thankfully he was on board.
Woohoo!
I started to say "when..." a lot more.
Dreams and plans started to emerge.
I wanted to be a mamma!
