Surgery Over

The surgery was done on Wednesday.
It went well and it was relatively easy.
They did find another polyp near the top of the uterus.
All polyps are out.
Which could explain the infertility issues.
I read some articles online that said my chances of getting pregnant could increase to almost 70%.
Uterus looks good per the doctor.

I have hope again.
Perhaps IVF will work for us.
Maybe I can stop living in the what ifs and live in the what's next.
Maybe join all those happy parenting pictures I see.
Future baby, do you know the things we will take pictures of?

Now till wait till April to get the show on the road.
Hormones, let's go!

Next up... Surgery

For the first time in probably a decade, I am on the pill.
It feels so strange to be on the pill.
To be "preventing" at the moment.
The real purpose, the hormones will help keep my lining thin for the polyps to be removed.

Then off to IVF next month.
I am excited to start this.
It has a higher success rate.
But not 100%.

I am nervous.
What if this doesn't work?
What next?
Do we want to even adopt?
How long will we have to wait for our baby?

Disappointed Again...

I was so proud of myself.
I wanted till Tuesday to test.

And it was negative. 

Then Wednesday, I started spotting. 

Full flow today. 

Sigh. 

I have cried. 

I am so tired of making "if" plans. 

I want to make "when" plans. 

I just wanted to take that money and spend it on the baby. 

Not to get the baby. 

So now I will have my uterine polyps removed this month. 

IVF will begin next month. 

Why me? 

Two Week Wait

We did our second IUI on Tuesday.
Everything looked good and I had less cramping than before which I am assuming is a good thing.
And now we wait.

We can do a home pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 4th.
So we wait.

I will not test early this time.
I have promised myself not to have that disappointment of testing too early.
So I am busying my mind, visiting friends, and making appointments for myself.

Tonight someone was talking about the Law of Attraction.
Visualizing myself pregnant.
Visualizing myself in maternity clothes.
Visualizing my future baby.

The thing is...
I do not want to be disappointed.
I do not want to have all these happy moments in my head to have them taken away in less than two weeks.

I am trying hard to be cautiously optimistic.
I will get my baby.
I am determined about that.

Hurry Hurry, Wait Wait

Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is how it feels.
Everything is so time sensitive that you are always either rushing around or waiting.
Today was rushing around.

There were no cysts last week so we were given the green light for Femara last week.
Today we go the the doctor to check if the Femara worked.
I have several follicles but they are all too small.
So on to FSH injections.

Oh but wait.
The only local pharmacy that carries it is 45 minutes away.
Oh but wait.
They are not open yet because it is too early still.

We rush home.
Both of us have appointments with students.
We decide we will spend our lunch time acquiring the meds.

I try to work quickly to get my Monday morning tasks complete.
We rush 45 minutes north.
We wait for our drug to be ready.
We rush 45 minutes back.
I had to move a work meeting to give myself time to eat.

Of course, Mondays are always busy with work and I have no time to really think or help the poor guy who is observing my class for volunteer hours.
So I rush through all my 88 phone calls.

And now we wait.
For Thursday.
Recheck the follicles.
Hopefully not too many or we will have to cancel.
And wait again.

Titter Totter

I have never been one to deal with disappointment well.
Maybe because I was a child of split custody?
Waiting every other weekend on my dad to show.
Often followed by the "Not this weekend..."

When my first husband died, amazingly I had hope.
Even as I left the hospital.
I knew the years were going to hard.
I knew life would never be the same.
But I knew deep in my heart that one day, things would get better.
After every heart ache, the soul rises again.
My grief counselor said it was one of the things that saved me.

I am trying hard to remain hopeful now.
Hopeful that I will get pregnant & I will give birth.
But it is hard.
I do not want to be disappointed in the end.
What if it never happens?
What if at some point my doctors say it is not going to work?
Ever.

I am not sure if I will be able to deal with that disappointment.
So I titter totter.
I am trying to prepare myself for the possible future disappointment.
Trying not to be too hopeful.
Like safely hopeful.
A balancing act.

Very careful balancing act.

Sitting Out

Well, our first attempt at IUI did not work.
Sigh.
I was sad, of course.
I tried to keep it all in perspective.
Only 20% chance of working.
One in five.
So it is okay.
Sad. But okay.

We went back to try again this month.
But we are on the bench.
I had a cyst on my left ovary.
And two very small polyps.
The polyps are in the lower part of the uterus so they do not need to be removed right now.

I cried during my sonohysteriogram.
I have a student who got his girlfriend pregnant at 15.
His voicemail sounds like he is 12.
At work everyone is celebrating their pregnancies.
"I just had a baby 9 months ago and I am pregnant again."

I am just so upset that everyone else is pregnant.
Everyone else gets it so easy.
Just so tired of trying to hard.
For bad cards.
I was not crying because it was painful.
At least not physically.

Why does everything have to be so hard for me?